So I was thinking about yesterday’s post on budgeting for healthy food. Uh oh, another introspective post today? YUP. Reading over your comments really got my hamster running and I wondered why I was feeling guilty at first about the possibility of needing to go over our budget. Like I explained, food is so important to me. I’m pretty open about that, so why did I feel guilty about it?
If I was being honest with myself, I had to admit because I knew we COULD spend less if we needed, too. We could drop the wine, nix a steak dinner on Fridays, eat more bananas and less oranges, make more staples, eat more leftovers… basically, we could make some cuts to drop our budget.
And if we could, didn’t that mean that we should? Might others think we were being too extravagant?
Yes, they might, but I was falling into a trap I work so hard to stay out of…
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Why do we get so caught up in what others think of us and what we should do? We are grown adults and are capable of deciding what is best for ourselves and our families, but yet, so many of us fall victim to the should and put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.
I should be doing yoga/crossfit/running/resting.
I should be eating less meat/more meat/more dairy/no dairy.
I should pay someone to decorate my living room. (No? Just me?)
I should have a nicer purse/shoes/house/car.
I should have my career figured out by now.
I should be married by now.
We should have kids by now.
These questions are great to ponder and fun to discuss, but when you reach an answer that works for you, you shouldn’t have to apologize for it. Have you decided you never want kids? Or want 6 kids? Own it. If others don’t like it, that’s their problem, but no need to make it your problem by wondering if others deem your choices in life to be ’ok’ or not.
Basically, we need to stop should-ing all over ourselves and be confident in our decisions. This doesn’t mean we need to be rigid and defensive, but you know your life best and it’s ok to be confident in your station and decisions in life.
So, I’m going to do me (and stop apologizing for it) and you do you (and rock it!).
Let’s chat…
Is there anything you’ve felt like you SHOULD do or have lately?
Sarah says
I’m home on maternity leave right now, and there are two questions I hear regularly that make me feel like I’m not doing the right thing, pretty much no matter what my answer is. 1. How long are you taking off work? And 2. (From my husband) What did you do today? I actually really happy and comfortable with the way I’ve chosen to structure my leave, but I can’t help but feel that people are judging me for not taking more time off. I’m sure it’s all in my head – I just need to Own It, like you say! And seriously? Is it fair to ask someone home with a newborn what they did all day? I know he’s just making conversation but it feels like an accusation of laziness. I really need to get out of my own head, don’t I?!
Brittany Dixon says
Oh that ‘what did you do today’ question is the worst! I really think people don’t mean anything by it, but I certainly remember it feeling like “soooooo what did you get done today?”
I think I listed things off like this…
-ate breakfast while keeping a helpless new human alive
-called my mom while caring for another life
-threw away my tissue I sneezed in while nursing, burping, changing a newborn
-took a nap with one eye open because I’m responsible for raising a healthy, happy, productive member of society…
😉 haha! I think you get the point. Surviving is enough of a to do list! Give yourself a high five!
Sarah says
That is a great list! Thank you – high five right back atcha!
Wendy says
This is exactly what I needed today. I wish I could print this out and give it to some people too 🙂
Amanda says
Loved reading this today! I fall victim to caring WAY to much what others are thinking and trying to make everyone happy. I tend to over analyze everything people say, also. I’m sure I create alot of my own anxiety but it can be so hard to JUST STOP. It seems to have gotten worse since having my son(1 year ago). Maybe it is a mom thing too?? It was nice to read this today though, helps me feel not so alone! Thanks! 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Oh, being a mom certainly adds to it in my experience, but if anything it just makes the need for confidence in your decisions to be that much greater. However, I just checked out Noah’s 1st birthday party and can assure you that you’re doing an AWESOME job as a mom 😉
Danica @ It's Progression says
Amen!
I fall right into that career one you mentioned – I *should* have it all figured out…Thankfully, I’ve found the path I want to go down now, and I’ve been able to hop on it, I just don’t know where (at. all.) it’s going to lead me. My family is really judgmental (negative) about it but I know it’s what’s best for me now and for me in the future, so I’m owning it! : )
Karen says
Awesome, awesome post! I think everyone falls into “should’ing” themselves so much esp. with the society is nowadays. I woke up this morning with a workout plan (20 minutes of HIIT then 20 minutes of yoga), yes, I should’ve gotten up but what did I do, I slept in and it felt amazing. I am totally going to rock MY life and happy that you are going to rock YOUR life because you are pretty AMAZING!! Have a great day!
Brittany Dixon says
Sleep is underrated! A little extra sleep can make all the difference. I’m glad you listened to what your body REALLY needed 🙂 Have a fantastic day!!
Halsy says
Great post! I feel like I Should have this whole sahm thing down by now. But really I probably should. We are all works in progress though. Even if you go over budget this month it sounds like you have learned a lot from the experience, could cut items in the future if need be and have a better idea what next months number should be. I feel really fortunate that we don’t live paycheck to paycheck so If I go over budget by $10 it’s not the end of the world!
Chantal says
I feel like that ALL the time. I should be doing this and that… always getting opinions from other people before making my own decision…
Danielle says
This is exactly what I needed to hear. My friend and I had our quarter life crisis this past year when we turned 25 because we were freaking out that we weren’t married yet and most of our peers are. But I am a college graduate and have a career, so I should be focusing on that. I think it’s too easy to get caught up in what others are doing and what others have. I heard somewhere that ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’ Which is so true!!
Also I love your Vlogs!! Please do more 🙂 Would love to hear more about Koda! I want a vizsla and have heard they can be timid?
Lauren says
Thank you for this today. I’m definitely someone who worries way too much about beig judged. Many tears an worries have occurred owe the years wen I feared what others thought of me and my actions. I continue to strive to be a more confident wife, mother, and woman- I’m definitely a work-in-progress! I suppose I should just embrace it!!!
Heather says
Really good post – it’s so easy to fall into the trap of worrying about what everyone else thinks. I’m pregnant and know I should be exercising more and yada yada yada, but I’m also busy working full-time and then raising a toddler, so by the time he’s in bed, I don’t always feel like doing yoga or otherwise and all I want to do is sit with my feet up and watch a show or read a book, and I’m okay with that. I’m pretty darn healthy and so is the baby. I actually really appreciate your budget posts as well… my husband and I are trying to work on our own budgeting skills (we have zero), but it’s important to me that we start eating better. Plus, we each have things we don’t want to give up, so while I know we could be eating much more cheaply (and plan on doing so) we will still probably have a larger food budget than a lot of other small families. To each their own.
Brittany from CountingMyCupcakes says
Great point! I’m sure you can remember the big question that comes after getting married – “when will you have kids??” My friends, coworkers or acquaintances is one thing, but my mom and aunts…oh my goodness! I get that it’s an exciting thing and I truly cannot wait to be a mom someday, but not quite yet. I’ve learned in the past couple of months since being married to be confident in my answer in saying it’s not the right time for us, rather than trying to appease them.
Kathy says
Without giving this much thought I am chiming in. You are for sure right that we must do what is right for ourselves and not worry about what others think. It is hard not to judge others or compare yourself to them. Just believe in your self. It’s all good. It is all Progress Not Perfection. Love yourself and Love others. 🙂
Happy day!
Mike @ Midwestern Bite says
I perhaps Should consider my wife’s wishes when she says she absolutely does not want backyard chickens.
Nah, I’m with Brittany. That’s why my coop build is 50% done. Thanks for the reinforcement! 😉
Hanna says
I have a horrible habit of needing to make others happy. It sucks! I don’t know why I’m like that but it’s a sure fire way to NOT make anyone happy, including myself. One of my goals this year is to not worry about what others think about me, how we raise our babies, how we spend our money, etc. It they don’t like our choices then its their problem!
Stacey@XOStacey says
My whole life I obsessed about what others thought about me. The older I get the less I care and the more amazing I feel! I have a quote on my blog “Don’t let the opinions of others consume you” as a daily reminder to myself!
Cori @ olivetorun says
HUGE love for this post! When I met my now husband people instantly thought we would get married…. bring on the WHEN ARE YOU questions. When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having babies?
I love your thoughts in this post about OWNING it. There will ALWAYS be people who think you should or should not and honestly, who cares? At the end of the day you are the one living with YOU not them… focus on what works for who you are and what you believe.
Alison @ Daily Moves and Grooves says
Great post! I’m not an adult yet (17 yo), but in high school, there is definitely a lot of pressure to do things because I “should.” And it’s usually something that I put upon myself because I fear what others might think of me. No one usually says explicitly what I should or should not do, but that internal fear of judgement always gets me. I’ve learned and am still learning to let that go. Thanks for this post!
Michelle @ Sojourn of Grace says
I hardly comment here but I am a faithful reader and this post reminded me once again why I love reading your blog! Thanks for your transparency. Right now for me, I’m struggling with trying not to compare myself to those who eat Paleo/Whole30 (it’s just not right for our family), those who run faster than me (I’m training for my 6th half marathon and my first full) and those whose photography is better than mine (I’m a part-time photographer while also juggling working full-time and with a family). Whew! I have to remind myself that I have my own experiences, skills, strengths and weaknesses. Comparing myself with others will only rob me of happiness from the things that are in my life.
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries says
Yes, yes, yes! Well said. I definitely fall into the trap of wondering what others think of me… I’ve gotten better, but it’s still something I catch myself worrying about from time to time. I know that I’m a much happier and content person when I don’t worry about what others think of me!
Tanya @ Vegan Faith says
At Girls on the Run we call this the “Girl Box” although when I speak in front of men and women I talk about how we all have that “Box” that we feel we ought to conform to. All those “should do’s” and “ought to do’s” rule our lives and we feel like we are always trying to “fit in.” Great post today Brittany. You do “you” and I’ll do “me.” And the world will be better for it! Some days I feel like I have gotten so far from “me” and forget how to be “me.” I don’t know if what I want is actually what I want, or if it is what the world wants for me and therefore I want it. Does that make sense?
Jenny @ simply be me says
This is so true. I’m in the middle of my weight loss journey and I’m finding it hard to let go of the expectations I think people have for me and to stop letting that affect me. I’ve been feeling like I’m letting people down if I don’t hit a certain number of pounds or inches lost, when really, I need to remember that I’m losing weight and getting fit for *me* not *them*.
Kathryn says
I needed to read this post! After a stressful weekend of feeling constantly judged I had two epiphanies: #1. I don’t need to state out loud how I feel about everything (that’s probably just me!). #2. When I do feel it necessary to state my feelings about something I need to stick with it and not feel guilty for feeling a way others may not be able to relate it.
We are all different and that is what makes the world go round!
Michelle says
I think one perk of being in your 30s/being done having kids is that people stop asking you when you are going to do things. Lol. Or maybe it’s just that I’m ALL about owning it, but yes – I’ve had to learn. I think it was about 3 years, when my oldest son was in PreK, when I FINALLY learned that you aren’t going to make everyone happy, you aren’t going to be friends with everyone, and if people don’t like you (for whatever weird reason) – it’s really OK. I tried HARD to befriend a few of the mom’s in my son’s class and it just was not worth the effort to win them over. If you can’t be yourself and you feel like you try too hard? Let it go. We now fake smile at each other and I’m OK with that being the extent our relationship!
John J. says
That’s my daughter – confident, free to be herself, not getting wrapped up in other people’s perceptions and not “shouding” all over herself. Always so proud of you and the wonderful family you are creating as the “domestic manager” partner.
Kelli H (Made in Sonoma) says
Ugh, I get sucked into this sometimes and it drives me nuts! Just this week I was feeling down on my blog. That my photography skills aren’t as good as other bloggers who’ve been blogging the same amount of time as me, but then I got thinking! I shouldn’t be comparing myself. They make their blog their full time job and have no pets. I’m working 40+ hours a week in an office and dedicate a lot of time to my friends, family, and Ryder. My blog is my own, and the amount of time I put into it is already a lot, for me! I really need to stop caring what others think. So what if I don’t have the best photos or biggest following? I’m still sharing recipes for my family, and that’s what I wanted when I started it.
char eats greens says
Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more things with Nia, or providing her with entertainment (are the items we have enough to keep her occupied in a day?). But then I realize this is all irrelevant. Sometimes she crawls right past her toys (whether there was one there or 100) and goes straight for the things she shouldn’t; like iPhones, and converters, and cameras, and dog tails. Even if I DO need more toys for her, my first choice is garage sales which is such an easy fix and definitely not worth stressing over.
There are totally a lot of other shoulds, but Nia is my most important one! I probably should be cleaning all day everyday, but that’s another story 😉
Danielle says
I LOVED this post! I really need to remember to stop with the “should”. I’m usually pretty good about not letting other people get to me, but recently its been a bit more difficult. Thank you for this awesome post!
Arielle says
So….incredibly…spot…on! We are human so unfortunately we do care way too much about what others think so thank you for the reminder to “do you” and “own it” AMEN! When you announce some goal to the masses like your grocery budget for you, or “I don’t eat wheat or inflammation promoting vegetable oils” for me, we take on these goals or statements and wear them like badges. See how strong I am? I did it everyone , but we don’t mention we are actually human and have human moments like going over budget or say…having gluten filled pizza and rancid oil wings while we are home in Buffalo…just sayin’! So much pressure. Oh and yes the pizza and wings were amazing!
Kristy @ Southern In-Law says
Oh Brittany, you definitely need to read this post http://www.southerninlaw.com/2013/08/hashtag-SIL-give-thanks-a-thankfulness-project.html?m=1
I’ve decided to go against the “shoulds” and “wants” that everyone is so focused on – and have decided to focus on being grateful for what I DO have. It’s worked wonders for me so I wanted to share it by launching a new thankfulness project – I’d love you to join in!
Bonnie says
Wonderful post Brittany !!! I’m 55 and have found that the older you get the less you care what others think!! You do what’s right & works for you!!! The “mommy wars” have been going on for forever. I love your list of daily accomplishments!! I remember the days of just getting to take a shower was a great accomplishment .. esp when they are infants. I am a Nurse & worked part time when my kids were small I was lucky to have been able to do that.
My daughter is a Board Certified pediatrician (YES I’m proud of her !!!) she is a wonderful mother. She had her first during her last yr of residency, only allowed to take 6 wks off. It broke my heart to see her struggle. Only good thing was her hubby was in school so he was home w baby & I filled in when ever needed (esp when she was in night rotation) but… She breast fed, pumped & never gave formula ( that worked for her, not everyone can or wants to which is ok too!!)
She worked a year & now is in a2yr fellowship. Daughter (2 yo next month) is in day care & preg w #2, due in December. She (we know # 2 is another girl) wil go into day care at 6 weeks as hubby now has full time job. This is how she planned it…. This is what works for HER. No shouldas (should be home) or wouldas (would it be better if…)
In the end moms do what they have to do or what they want to do & should be happy w their decisions no matter what anyone thinks !!!!! Don’t let anyone make you feel ” less then” for ANY reason!!! Be happy & grateful for what you have !!!!
Brittany Dixon says
Oh Bonnie, I can feel your positive energy through the computer and I LOVE it! Thanks for the message and sharing what a a strong, smart and clearly successful (in both work and LIFE) daughter you’ve raised. Love your exuberance and joy and appreciate you commenting. Have a fantastic weekend!
klau says
Thanks bonnie!
You and brittney together made a positive moment to me.
Lov ur words ‘no shouldas or wouldas’
Eva says
Wow this is so random, but I just came across this post and your blog for the first time… and I must say, i was literally just thinking about this exact concept yesterday morning. I’ve realized that most of my life I’ve had the mentality that I need to keep being ‘better’– not better than other people, just better than I was yesterday or something. And not that it’s a bad thing to work on yourself, but sometimes letting that mentality guide your life constantly leaves a toll on you by making you feel guilty that you are not enough. I’ve been realizing this more over the last year or so and just the acknowledgement of it has allowed me to let go so much. Just let go of the idea that I should be more: this , that, *insert desired trait here*. Not slacking per se, just being who I am, being honest about it and letting that be enough while still putting my best effort forward.
Point is…. nice post! 🙂
Neil Butterfield says
Should have, could have and would have should all be banned. We need to stop beating ourselves up and live in the moment. We don’t need to answer to anyone other than ourselves.
Neil Butterfield says
I tend to leave the should haves, could haves, etc out of my vocabulary. I certainly do not worry about what people do or don’t think of me.